As a pastor now for almost twelve years, I have unfortunately seen many families come and go. I once heard a pastor describe building a church like filling a bucket with a hole in the bottom. You have to pour more in the top than runs out the bottom.
People leave for various reasons. Some are understandable. A move to a new city or a price increase in gasoline may necessitate a closer place to worship. Some are extremely carnal like the man who pulled his family because he didn’t get to pitch on the church’s softball team or the lady who left over not getting her cake pan back after a pot luck. Some are more difficult. Maybe there has been a change doctrinally, a personality conflict or even mistreatment.
I have only left one church for a reason other than moving and it was at a time of pastoral change. I could not follow the new pastor that was chosen.
I have been on both sides of the equation, but must admit, I have been left far more than I have left. I want to give a little perspective on the matter from the pastor’s point of view.
A church is unusual in that you cannot approach it from a customer service perspective. Immature Christians look at a church on the basis of how they are being served. Mature Christians instead look at how they may be of service. The contemporary model of church building is harming our churches in that it is using the seeker sensitive model. We are attempting to become a business that attracts on the basis of customer service. We may attract some, but they will be the kind that we will have to continually please in order to keep them. I do not mean that things should not be done decently and in order or that we should not do our best to serve one another as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I do mean that you can’t offer a prize in the box of cereal to get folks to come.
So what can you expect when you leave a church?
Expect to be discussed but not criticized. It is naive to think that people will not discuss your absence. People will wonder where you have been, where you are now and why you are no longer around. Information will be shared. Criticism should not take place regarding the party leaving. A good pastor will lead the people in this direction.
Expect to be replaced. There is pride in the heart of man that leads him to believe an institution rises or falls upon his shoulders. Churches are works of God. His work can and will continue without the aid of any one human being. I have been told by people leaving our church that it would fall apart upon their departure. It didn’t. The classes they used to teach are now being taught by others. The areas in which they served are now being served by others. The money they used to give is now being provided by others. If I resign as pastor of LBC today, God will provide a pastor and keep the church moving forward.
Expect awkwardness when you cross paths in public. Some people are able to overlook differences and be friendly and kind. Others will struggle with bad feelings. Some will simply not know how to respond when they see you again. The more time that passes, the easier things will be, but at first, it will be awkward.
Do not expect that the pastor wants to hear everything you dislike about him and the church. He doesn’t. I cannot count the times someone has wanted to “take me to lunch” only to get there and find out it really means he wanted to eat my lunch. Ironically, they never ask the pastor if he has any problem with them, their faithfulness or their service. Lunch ends abruptly once they inform the pastor of his many shortcomings.
Do not expect to be pursued. Those who have been in the ministry know the struggle of trying to decide whether or not to pursue one who is leaving or has left the church. If the individual is failing in faithfulness or personally backsliding, reaching out can make a very big difference in salvaging them. If they are leaving because of dissatisfaction, displeasure or being disgruntled, pursuing them rarely matters. Only once have I been able to clear up a matter with a lady and see her continue with us. It was a misunderstanding that we were able to rectify. Every other time, I have failed to change someone’s mind and watched them leave anyway. This wouldn’t seem like such a problem except for two things: the pastor gets to hear everything they don’t like about him and the church and he begins to second guess the areas in which they were unhappy. Now he asks himself, “I wonder if I could keep them if I changed that?” He soon turns into the proverbial girlfriend/boyfriend who says, “don’t leave! I can change!” The truth is that he has to be true to who God made him to be and to how God leads him to lead His church. When a pastor chooses not to pursue departing members, it also gives them one more round of ammunition with which to criticize. “He didn’t even come to see us after we left.”
Leaving a church is never an easy thing whether it is on good terms or bad. If you are on the departing side, just be aware that many other people are also being affected by your decision. While you were with us we sincerely did our best to love you, serve you and help you grow in Jesus. We were not perfect, made mistakes and probably failed you often. We did do our best, however.
Joel Stiff's Adventure 
A lengthy blog today! And quite true, although, honestly, I would have never guessed (seriously) that you would have had many to leave your church. People are people no matter where you live. Elisabeth Dibble mentioned to me today that she prays for a 21-yr. old young lady in a church in Germany where one of our supported missionaries pastors. The lady is having trouble staying focused in church because of all the hypocrisy she sees. This, coming from a lady whose church runs around 60 – 80 people a week. My thought was that, huh, even in a country where Christians number few and far between, hypocrites exist. All that to say this – people are people no matter where you are!! Have a good evening to you and yours!! You can thank me later for my words of wisdom! 🙂
Thank you for your words of wisdom, Terri. 🙂 As the new church in town, we watched many of the people who wouldn’t be happy if Jesus were their pastor come through. The people that the Lord has allowed us to reach and see saved, have stayed with us. The ones who transfer in usually do not end up staying. There are exceptions and the exceptions help make up the backbone, but many transfers come with an experience they think supersedes what has already been accomplished and used for years. It has been a learning experience for sure.
I know I’m grabbing a small portion of the blog, but its something I have been noticing for a little while. You’re absolutely right, church has become a consumer product. People join churches based on what can you do for me. I can’t help but feel that the church created this monster though. I feel like the church all but abandoned true discipleship. We never helped new believers move from a place of consumption(or milk as Paul put it), to a place of service. So much emphasis was placed on conversions, that discipleship was lost. I gave many people what I believe is a shell of the actual gospel message. People weren’t taught how to grow and move into a place of giving back, therefore, in order to gain traction with immature Christian’s, the church had to move to a more seeker sensitive model. I would love to have your thoughts, as I don’t think I’m some authority. Just the simple thoughts of a roughneck.
Absolutely, Luke. Discipleship has been lacking. We are actually starting this year by encouraging everyone to start at square one and go through a discipleship program regardless of how long they have been saved. I am participating in it myself. I think the desire for growth at all costs has created the consumer mentality. That and trying to find the easiest, fastest way to put someone in a pew. Why visit them twenty times, answer their questions, invest fifty hours to see them saved and grounded, when I can just start a volleyball team that has pizza after the game? I believe the path is clear. Either put in lots of hours and tons of work investing in individuals or fail to see great numbers of people converted to Jesus. Incidentally, I am not opposed to volleyball or pizza. Love you, man. Watch out for the reaper. :-p
I am currently in the process of leaving a Church and going to a new one, not because I was angry or unhappy there, but traveling to the old Church was a half hour away, and with vehicle trouble, it was simply more difficult to commit myself on a weekly basis, as well as during the week and some weekend activities. I have nothing but positive things to say about the previous congregation I was at; great people striving to know God in a deeper way.
Glad to hear of the amicable change, Russ. It is a sad thing when you have to leave a good church because of a change in circumstances, but the Lord knows and may be doing so to be a blessing to you and so you can have greater opportunity as well. Thanks for reading.